Changes – #DBlogWeek Day 4

Diabetes Blog Week, Day 4 – Topic: Changes:  Today let’s talk about changes, in one of two ways.  Either tell us what you’d most like to see change about diabetes, in any way.  This can be management tools, devices, medications, people’s perceptions, your own feelings – anything at all that you feel could use changing.  OR reflect back on some changes you or your loved one has seen or been through since being diagnosed with diabetes.  Were they expected or did they surprise you?


Today’s topic, Changes, couldn’t be more timely for me.  I’m preparing for yet another big change in terms of my diabetes medical team and, ultimately, my diabetes management.

I had a visit with my primary doctor yesterday afternoon for a routine followup and to get results for the lab work that I had done last week.  For the most part, the results were good.  My A1c was 7.5 this time, down from 8.5 at the beginning of the year.  And that’s great considering all that I’ve been dealing with since then.  But my fasting numbers are still a problem.

Since I’m still struggling with those numbers, I asked my doctor about trying the new Toujeo insulin, which is basically a stronger version of the Lantus that I currently use.  I’m taking far more Lantus at night than I’m comfortable with and it’s not doing much for me.  So, I thought perhaps the new, stronger Toujeo might help me both lower my numbers and reduce the amount of insulin I’m taking overall.

Unfortunately, the doctor hadn’t read up on it yet, so she wasn’t prepared to prescribe it to her patients yet.   And I was OK with that.  As I said, she’s my primary care doctor.  And while she treats patients with type 2 diabetes all the time, it isn’t her specialty.  And more advanced treatments aren’t in her wheelhouse.   And, well, most of her type 2 patients aren’t my age, they aren’t as informed and empowered, and they certainly don’t question things as I do either.

What she was prepared to do, though, was refer me to someone with more experience.  An endocrinologist who is part of the same medical group.  So, after six and a half years of working with my primary doctor to manage my type 2 diabetes, I’m going to be transitioning to working with an Endo instead.  My first appointment is on July 13.

Admittedly, I’m a bit nervous about this change.  Switching doctors is always a stressful thing, but I’m trying to be optimistic about this change and hoping that it will be for the best.  Time will tell.

And you know, while this is the first time I’ve changed the doctor overseeing my diabetes care, it’s certainly not the first time I’ve asked for a change in medications.

My medications have changed a lot in six and a half years.  From one failed oral medication to another, then another, then another.  When I tired of trying those, I asked about taking the plunge with Byetta, and later Lantus.  When the Byetta stopped working, I asked for Victoza.  And eventually, I asked about added fast acting insulin for meal times.  I started with Novolog, and later changed to Humalog due to an insurance issue.  So asking my doctor about Toujeo really wasn’t a big deal at all.  Not for me anyway.  And I will pursue that option when I meet with the new doctor.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned for sure, it’s that in life with diabetes, the only constant is change.

Posted in Diabetes, Diabetes Blog Week, Doctor Visits | 10 Comments

Clean it Out – #DBlogWeek Day 3

Diabetes Blog Week, Day 3 – Topic: Clean it Out . Yesterday we kept stuff in, so today let’s clear stuff out.  What is in your diabetic closet that needs to be cleaned out?  This can be an actual physical belonging, or it can be something you’re mentally or emotionally hanging on to.  Why are you keeping it and why do you need to get rid of it?  


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The Garden of Pain, Diabetes Art Day 2012.

You know, I’ve had to think long and hard about how to respond to today’s topic, because there are half a million things, physical and mental, that I could stand to get out of my closet.  I could write about my recent diagnosis with PTSD and how I’m still struggling to make sense of all that entails.  I could talk about how that continues to interfere with my ability to properly manage my type 2 diabetes, congestive heart failure, etc… and a myriad of other things that I’m working on.  For today, though, I’m not going to do that.  Instead, I’ll be talking about getting rid of a physical item, that definitely has a mental component to it.

Some of you may remember the “Garden of Pain” sculpture that I created for the 3rd Diabetes Art Day in 2012.  It’s inspiration came from another project that failed and from a visit to a sculpture park in Des Moines, IA while I was there for a TCOYD event.  It was a great piece of work and one that I truly enjoyed making.  And it seemed to go over well with others in the DOC, which was a plus.

From that day in late September until early July 2014, the sculpture lived on a shelf near the window in my office.  It could see the squirrels and, yes, they were married.

At some point during the day of July 5th, the shelf that the sculpture was on collapsed, sending it to the floor where other items from the shelf landed on top of it.  I wasn’t home at the time and found the mess upon returning home later that evening.  It was quite disheartening to see.

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After the fall.

After picking up everything that was on the shelf and surveying the damage, I pretty much decided the sculpture was beyond repair and that I should just clean up the mess and throw it all away.

I snapped the picture you see here and posted it on Facebook for folks to see.

One friend said that it seemed fitting for a sculpture called “The Garden of Pain” to meet such an end.

Another friends commented, “I suppose you could put it back on a shelf like that. You could just say it was a statement on a broken body or something. Go full snooty modern art with it.

I really liked that idea at the time, so I carefully collected all of the pieces, placed them in a container, and stored them away until I had time to sit down and work on the new project that I had in mind.

I had every intention working on that new piece.  Of using the opportunity to make an artistic statement about the fact that I do, indeed, live with a body that doesn’t work as it should.  To express just how broken I truly feel at times.  And yet, here it is, May 13, 2015, some ten months later, and I have yet to even look at that container again.  Let alone open it and begin to work on the project.

And I’m not going to either.

The fact of the matter is that I do, quite often, feel completely, irreparably, broken.  Both physically and mentally.  My heart doesn’t work like it should.  Neither does my pancreas.  I live in constant pain from old injuries to my back, legs, hips, and chest.  Then there are the migraines.  And the asthma.  And I can’t forget that bit about PTSD.  The flashbacks as a result of that make it hard to forget a lot of things I really wish that I could.

Each visit with one of my half dozen doctors is a reminder. Each trip to the pharmacy is a reminder.

Each time I sort out a dozen oral medications for the month, and restock my supply case with glucose test strips and pen needles for my Lantus, Humalog and Victoza, is a reminder.

Each time I stick my finger to check my blood sugar is a reminder.  And every insulin injection in my stomach is a reminder.

I think you get the picture.

And so that container filled with the pieces of that broken sculpture will make its way out of my apartment and into the dumpster this afternoon, and revisiting that project will never happen.

Because I do not need another fucking thing to remind me that I am… to make me feel that I am… Broken.

Posted in Depression, Diabetes, Diabetes Blog Week, Heart, Inspiration, Mental Health, Photos, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder | 15 Comments

Keep it to Yourself – #DBlogWeek Day 2

Diabetes Blog Week, Day 2 – Topic: Keep it to Yourself : Many of us share lots of aspects of our diabetes lives online for the world to see.  What are some of the aspects of diabetes that you choose to keep private from the internet?  Or from your family and friends?  Why is it important to keep it to yourself?  (This is not an attempt to get you out of your comfort zone.  There is no need to elaborate or tell personal stories related to these aspects.  Simply let us know what kinds of stories we will never hear you tell, and why you won’t tell them.) (Thank you Scott E of Rolling in the D for this topic.)


You know, for the most part, I tend to be an open book about my life with type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure.  I share a lot of my experiences, good and bad, because I firmly believe that people need to see the reality of these diseases, from every possible angle.  But, there are some things that I tend to avoid talking about here on the blog and else where.

1. Family stuff.  Why?  Because I have to live with these people.

2. Work.  Why? To avoid potential conflicts.

3. Doctor names. Why? They have to protect my information, so I try to do the same for them.

4. Research/Science/Big D News. Why?  There are better resources for finding such content.  diaTribe and DiabetesMine for examples.

5. Diabetes and Sex. Why?  What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.

Cheers!

Posted in Diabetes, Diabetes Blog Week | 8 Comments

Second Chances, Supportive Friends – #DBlogWeek Day 1

Diabetes Blog Week, Day 1 – Topic: I Can: In the UK, there was a diabetes blog theme of “I can…”  that participants found wonderfully empowering.  So lets kick things off this year by looking at the positive side of our lives with diabetes.  What have you or your loved one accomplished, despite having diabetes, that you weren’t sure you could?  Or what have you done that you’ve been particularly proud of?  Or what good thing has diabetes brought into your life?  (Thank you to the anonymous person who submitted this topic suggestion.)


Today is the first day of Diabetes Blog Week, and what better way to kick things off than with a post about a couple of good things that came as a result of being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

A second chance

I’ve made no bones about the fact that if it weren’t for diabetes, I wouldn’t have found out that I had congestive heart failure before it was too late.  The yeast infection I developed, which is common among people with diabetes, led to that life saving doctor visit.

Quite simply, my diagnosis presented me with a new beginning; a clean slate on which to plan and develop a healthier, more fulfilling life.

I was forced me to take a hard look at many aspects of my life, including my eating habits and the amount of physical activity in my life, and ultimately make decisions necessary to gain some resemblance of control over the situation.

I’m eating better, getting more exercise, and have lost some weight; all things that I’ve struggled with for years, yet have come about as a result of being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes & CHF.

Supportive friends

You might not believe it, but I was no where near as outgoing before my diagnosis as I am now.  I was something of a loner, or a hermit if you will.  I was OK with that.  And I certainly never thought about traveling to meet people that I met online.  That was just out of the question.

My diagnosis with type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure changed all of that.  My search for knowledge and support lead me to the Diabetes Online Community and all of the wonderful people whom I now call my friends.

I’ve been fortunate to have had opportunities to meet many of my D-OC buddies in person, and hope to meet many more of them.  I have grown close enough to some that I  consider them like family.  And I’m thankful to have all of them in my life.

My brush with death has taught me that I truly have nothing to lose, yet everything to gain, by reaching out to others.  And through it all, I’ve relearned the value of having loving and supportive friends.  Thanks to diabetes, I now have more of them than I can count. 

Second chances at life are a rare occurrence.  I am thankful to have been blessed with another chance, and with my amazing friends by my side, I know I’ll never have to go through it alone.

Lots of Love!

Posted in Diabetes, Diabetes Blog Week | 19 Comments

The Ah Ha Moment

If you’ve read my blog, or followed me on Twitter or Facebook, for any length of time, you’re probably aware that life has not been too kind to me or my family over the last few years.  And you are probably aware that as the year 2014 was ending, I was in a very dark place and I was considering ending my life.  Obviously, I didn’t.  I can’t express how thankful I am for the messages of love and support that came in from all of my DOC friends and family at that time.

In mid-January, I was reading a blog post written by my friend Mari Ruddy, in which she mentioned her experience with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) stemming from her experience with cancer, and how that led to an attempt to end her life.  As I sat there thinking about Mari’s experience in comparison to mine,  a light bulb flashed on in my head.  The “Ah Ha” moment.

“Could I be dealing with PTSD, too?” I thought.  So, the research began.  I spent quite a bit of time reading up on PTSD, it’s symptoms, causes, treatments, etc…  on my own.  Knowing that I needed help, I reached out to someone that I knew I could trust and depend on, and who happens to work in the mental health field.  My dear friend Ashley.  She was able to provide a lot of good information about PTSD in general, as well as tools for coping with and treating it.  All of which has been a huge help.  Thanks again, Ash.

The answer to the question is yes.  After a great deal of personal research and many consultations with my doctors and mental health professionals, it has been determined that I do, in fact, have PTSD.  It stems from my diagnosis with congestive heart failure and it has been exacerbated by a number of other traumatic events in my life.

As for what I’m doing about it?  Well, I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to educate myself and develop coping mechanisms to help deal with things.  I’ve found a couple of really good workbooks with guided exercises to help with the healing process.  In general, I’m just trying to get back on the wagon and stay focused on doing what’s best for me.

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I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but for the first time in months, I can actually see the road.  For that, I’m thankful.

Posted in Depression, Diabetes, Health, Heart, Lessons Learned, Life, Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shout outs | 12 Comments

Cartoon: Off the wagon

The road of life isn’t always smooth.  It’s often rough and rugged.  And sometimes, as we’re traveling along, we hit a series of bumps and ruts so treacherous that every aspect of our lives is interrupted.  We’re completely shaken.  We lose our balance.  And we find ourselves laying in a deep, muddy rut in the road.  We’ve fallen off the wagon.  And soon everything is out of control.  We have to get back up.

And that’s easier said than done.  I know, I’m there now.  Lying in that rut, struggling to get back up.

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Posted in Cartoons, Depression, Diabetes, Health, Heart, Life, Mental Health | 1 Comment

American Heart Month

February is American Heart Month.  What are you doing to show your heart some love this month?

loveyourheart

Posted in American Heart Month, Cartoons, Health, Heart, Life | Leave a comment

A bad start to the day

File this under things that suck!

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Posted in Diabetes, Photos | 2 Comments

A step forward

Well, with 2014 over, and the Confessions of a broken man out of my head, I’m starting 2015 by trying to get back to caring for myself.  The first step forward has been sorting my medications out into the pillbox and, of course, actually taking them yesterday and today.  I’ve taken my Victoza, Lantus and Humalog as well.  And I’ve checked my blood sugar.  It may not seem like much to some, but it’s a starting point.   It’s something that I know that I need to work on.  A fix that can be made immediately.  It’s a step forward.

medshand

 

Posted in Diabetes, Health, Heart, Life, Medications, Photos | 9 Comments

Confessions of a broken man

Broken and wore out.  That’s just how I feel.  Ashamed and guilty, too.

For a the better part of the last year there has been a dark cloud around me.   One death of a loved one right after another, and other family and personal issues left and right.

More and more, I’ve had thoughts of suicide overwhelming my mind.  I don’t think I really want to die.  I just want to stop hurting all the time.  While I don’t feel that I have the courage to actually pull the trigger or push the plunger on a syringe or act on a dozen other means that I’ve thought about, I don’t know for sure.    Depression lies.  It makes you think and behave in ways that you wouldn’t normally.

I stopped taking most of my heart medications thinking maybe my heart would just give out sooner rather than later.  With all the stress and anxiety in my life right now, I’m sure something is bound to happen soon.  I just don’t know how to deal with the pain that I feel all the time.

My diabetes management has fallen by the wayside as well.  I’m not checking my blood sugars, nor have I been taking my victoza or insulins as I should.  My A1C has been creeping up more and more over the last year.  My latest was 8.5.   Funny thing is my 6th diaversary was just a couple of days ago on December 29th.   I usually celebrate it or at least acknowledge the day.    Not this year.  I have nothing to celebrate.  Most of that day was spent thinking about having to send April back to California again.  About my mother getting hurt moving things from the burnt house to the new one.  About all that feels wrong in my world and how much I wish it would all just stop.

And I feel guilty for having the thoughts that I do.  I know April would never forgive me if I did that.  Neither would many others.  Many wouldn’t understand it.  Many would ask why I didn’t seek help.  The problem is, I have sought help and it hasn’t done any good.  I’ve spoken to my doctor.  I have a bottle of pills for depression and anxiety.  Another fucking bottle of pills added to the dozen I take already.  I’ve had a bad history with those medications.  And a side effect of the drug is suicidal ideation.  I already have enough of that on my own.  And I have had enough of people telling me to just suck it up and deal with it.

I just feel broken.  Physically, mentally.  I’m just broken.  My heart doesn’t work like it should.  Neither does my pancreas.  I live in constant pain from old injuries to my back, legs, hips, and chest.  Not to mention the migraines.   It just hurts.  If I were a horse, I’d have been led out behind a barn and shot in the head a long time ago.

The last six years have been so damn hard.  I’m battle worn.  My heart hurts.  I’m tired of fighting all the time.  Of worrying all the time.  Of hurting.

I’ve sacrificed so much of my strength, energy, and determination to help others that I don’t have much left for myself right now.  When I need it the most.   I have a big heart.  I give so much.  And right now it feels like everything I do is merely a distraction; an excuse to not deal with my own problems.  I hate feeling this way.

I’m sorry for rambling on.   And I’m sorry for worrying everyone.   I’ve been trying to write this post for a long time now and haven’t been able to get my thoughts out.  I’ve been in hiding.  I feel ashamed that things have gotten so far out of hand.  I haven’t wanted folks to see just how fucked up things are in my little world.   April is the only person who really knows, and she left for California worried that I won’t be here when she returns.  I hate this.

Well, I guess the bandaid has been ripped off of this gaping wound.   As much as it hurts to spew this word vomit all over this blog, getting these thoughts out of my head is for the best.   And doing so now, in the final hours of 2014, means that I can begin 2015 by making a plan to get my shit together again and start moving forward.  God help me.

Goodbye 2014.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Posted in Depression, Diabetes, Doctor Visits, Health, Heart, Lessons Learned, Life, Mental Health | 22 Comments